If you’ve experienced the love of a parent, I’m not sure you can relate to what I am about to say. I feel as if there is a hole in my heart that cannot be filled. I recognize the hole is there when someone well-intentioned tries to help for a moment. A piece of fatherly advice or motherly concern makes it seem possible to be whole for once, but it is like a snack to replace a meal and the feeling of satisfaction quickly fades.

As much as I recognize the hole should not exist, I also recognize that it always will. I could try to fill it. I could drown it in addition or pursue relationships that seem to help for a minute, but would eventually become unhealthy. However, the only person who can fill the hole meant for a father decided not to. The only person who can fill the hole for a mother is still too distracted by her own needs. 

I can imagine that if another person had stepped in when I was a child and taken over the role of “parent” then they could have taken the place I needed them to. I’ve come to realize that the only person who can really help a child protect their childhood is one who is willing to take on the role of “parent.” For me, like many others, childhood has long been lost. 

Now, I must be careful not to get lost in the missing pieces. I may never have a father or a mother because that time is past, but I can be an adult without either of those. I must also be careful not to get lost in saving my past self because that person is gone. 

There are plenty of children who need a father or mother to step into place, but if I do so in order to save myself, I’ve already failed. The first step to being a parent is putting aside your own needs for someone else’s. For this reason, children are born needing everything. 

When I first became a mother, I was confused. As a child, I couldn’t help but love my parents. It seemed as natural as breathing. As a parent, the first time I looked at my firstborn, I knew I had a choice. I shouldn’t have had a choice, but I did. Even though I couldn’t imagine choosing not to love my child, I know others who have and I know it was a choice I was free to make. 

If you have experienced a parent who made a different choice, I’m sorry you can relate to what I have to say. Holes in our lives are inevitable. Even if they are not caused by a parent’s choice, they are caused by something. Filling that hole with any quick fix never leads to peace. If you are interested in how I found peace, leave a comment or reach out through the “About Me” page and I’ll share; otherwise, I wish you luck on your journey.

Note: This is a true story about events that have not been embellished. While comments are welcome, they are screened to maintain the integrity of the site, prevent foul language, and prevent spam. All comments submitted from real readers will be published even if they are disagreed with.

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