I often feel like two different people. One of them is weak in most regards. She is easily overwhelmed by thoughts of the past and finds it difficult to move past them. She gets lost in her own mind while trying to figure things out. She cries and hides and needs lots of support. She gets tired and finds it hard to say she needs to go to sleep. She gets hungry and doesn’t want to bother anyone for food or eat anything harmful to the body. When she feels restless, she does something active but only when it doesn’t affect or disappoint anyone that she is not there. She goes to work, but sometimes finds it hard to stop working. She trusts willingly with an open heart, and she gets hurt often. On the upside, she will do anything for anyone. She is always focused on other people’s needs. She loves and cares. She nurtures and comforts. When she is here–present minded–she is the one I’d rather have running my life. Then there is the other “me.” 

She waits until I have become tired doing things for others and then slips into control. She is only concerned about my needs. It is easier for her to demand what she wants, because she doesn’t really care what others say. She is always present minded. It’s easy to turn to her when I can’t seem to crawl my way back to reality. She pretends to be interested in others and is willing to help, as long as she gets something out of it. She can push past sleepiness with a cup of coffee and can stay up late with a glass of wine. She ensures there are no nightmares with a few shots of whiskey even though they only really take the memory of the night from the next morning. She loves routine and follows it daily. She becomes easily frustrated with others for breaking her simple patterns. If someone breaks her routine or denies her a trade, she gets angry. She doesn’t like too much noise or chaos and can’t stand make-believe. Anything that takes her away from the present is the enemy. To be fair, when she does revisit the past, it is much worse than the other. 

There have been more than a few times that the night gets too late and the nightmares start before we lay down…before we are out of touch with everyone else. The first me will cry and try to explain, but the tears don’t last long. Pretty soon, she accepts the comfort she is offered and drifts off to face whatever nightmares are left. The other me, however, is not so easy to console. She will usually first lash out and refuse to admit that it has anything to do with the past. She will hurt anyone who is close. When she does cry, she is a snot filled mess and can never really feel the comfort she is offered. Her feelings make her want to run from those who love her and push everyone away before crumbling in front of them. 

I’m sure the real me is a balance somewhere between the two. Someone who is willing to love others but also willing to break routine and accept help. Someone who is willing to be loved. 

It’s not hard to accept love when I feel like I deserve it. Maybe that is why the unselfish “me” is the one I like in charge. I can forgive flaws of being absent minded, weak, or being overwhelmed. That version of me seems worthy of love, but the angry and self-serving “me” is another story. I don’t love that part of myself, so why would I accept that someone else could?

Note: This is a true story about events that have not been embellished. While comments are welcome, they are screened to maintain the integrity of the site, prevent foul language, and prevent spam. All comments submitted from real readers will be published even if they are disagreed with.

If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic violence and seeking help, please visit the Domestic Violence National Hotline.

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